Believe in the person you want to become

The other day I came across this quote from Lana Del Ray, and it made me stop and think … and smile:

“I believe in the person I want to become.”

I smiled because I love the hope in her words, and I love the faith she has in her future self.

I also love the notion of making the person you want to become a dream or goal. So often our goals are external things - like the dream job / home / relationship. But perhaps this focus is wrong, and perhaps, if we simply focus on the person we want to become, the rest will take care of itself.

When I think back to the person I was in 2022, before I started writing this newsletter and before I embarked upon my solo travel / nomadic adventures, I see a very different person to the woman I am today.

Like many, if not most other people, the pandemic had caused my world to shrink, and I’d shrunk myself and my dreams to fit.

During the pandemic I’d also had the double whammy of turning fifty and becoming an empty nester, when my son didn’t just leave home but left the country.

Age has never bothered me one bit, and I’m the kind of parent who revels in seeing her son fly, but being locked down in my home for months on end meant that what could and should have been an exciting new chapter for me too, was anything but.

Long story short, by the time we were allowed to return to some kind of normal I felt a little like a zombie, going through the motions of eat, work, work, work, sleep, repeat. As well as writing my books, which is a full-time job in itself, I’d taken on a year’s maternity cover role as an editor at a publishers. The burn-out was real.

And even worse, I felt as if I no longer had a purpose.

Then, out of the blue, I was asked if I would co-host a writers’ retreat in Jamaica. It was such a lovely surprise I instantly said yes … but then the retreat fell through.

The zombie, post-pandemic me instantly thought cheery thoughts like: I knew it was too good to be true / It’s probably for the best / You haven’t travelled anywhere for three years, you’ve probably forgotten how to do it, etc, etc.

But thankfully my friend, who’d booked a flight to Jamaica with me to come on the retreat, felt quite strongly that we should just go anyway, and explore the island ourselves.

Thank God she did is all I can say now, because that trip changed everything for me.

Travelling around Jamaica, staying at a Rasta farm, and meeting other people from other countries, the pure culture shock, was like taking a shot of adrenalin.

In short - I woke back up again.

Mid way into our trip, six of us ended up on a tiny island, dancing to music for hours on end, through torrential rain storms and tropical sunshine.

And I remember looking at my friend (who I’ve known since we were eight) and thinking that I’d never seen her look so carefree and happy.

And looking at her was like looking in a mirror because I couldn’t remember feeling so carefree and happy either!

I stayed up all that night and when I finally went to bed at five the following morning I felt like a different person. Wild and full of joy and completely free.

I returned home, to a town I’d grown to hate, and to the grind of over-work, but a seed had been sown.

I’d caught a glimpse of the kind of woman I could become. The kind of person I was always supposed to be.

I started this newsletter, Wonderstruck, as a way of writing myself into becoming that person.

I booked a month-long trip to a town in the Ozarks to see if I had what it took to do the solo travel thing. And that month was one of the happiest of my life because once again I was given a glimpse of the kind of free-spirited adventurer I could become.

I booked other solo trips.

And then, almost a year after going to Jamaica, I gave up my home in the UK to travel solo as a digital nomad.

I believed in the woman I wanted to become. And I became her.

at Jim Morrison’s grave in Paris recently

I hope that reading this gives you some inspiration, especially if you’re feeling the need for change in your life.

Could it be that focusing on the person you want to become and believing in her / him would help you too?

Until next week, when I will be back in Ukraine to see my son, who has just got engaged! 

Siobhan