Don't let your true self fall asleep

The gloom was barely there at first, like the faintest trace of day-old perfume.

But then about two weeks ago, it really started to let itself be known.

I found myself crying at the slightest thing. Having the kind of thoughts I hadn’t had since my post pandemic slump. Feeling a real lack of zest and drive.

Feeling the numbness of lethargy descending. Enveloping.

At first I thought it was because of my dad’s recent health emergency and subsequent ill health - as a result of which I cancelled my digital nomad life and came back to the UK.

But then I realised that that wasn’t it at all.

The fear and sorrow I have around what’s happened to my dad are the opposite of numb.

No, the numbness and the gloom were being caused by my true self.

Let me explain…

Back in 2015 I wrote a non-fiction book for young adults called True Face.

It was all about the importance of living authentically and not succumbing to the pressures put on us by society or other people to be something that we’re not.

I wrote it for young adults because I was a YA novelist at the time and I was regularly giving talks in schools and colleges. My most common talk was called Dare to Dream, where I’d encourage the students to talk about their hopes and fears and visualise their dream future.

I gave that talk to thousands of students all over the world, from places as far flung as Australia, France, Pakistan and India. But one thing that came up time and time again was the pressure they felt to be something - or someone - they weren’t.

When I gave them the time and space to dare to dream boldly and authentically, they and the whole room lit up.

It was wonderful to witness.

But of course, being pressured to live inauthentically is not unique to the young.

We can all, at any age, wake with a start one day and, to quote the classic Talking Heads song, think to ourselves: ‘This is not my beautiful life’ and wonder what the hell went wrong.

I had a moment like that right after the pandemic, when I found myself in a relationship that wasn’t working and in a town and a job and a life I hated.

Then I had a wake up moment, which I’ve written about a lot here so I won’t go into again but if you’re new to Wonderstruck, or you’d like a recap, you can read about it here. And here.

After my wake up moment I totally overhauled my life.

I downsized my work to just writing books and this weekly Substack letter, and I gave up my home and possessions to travel the world as a digital nomad.

In the past fifteen months, I’ve lived and written in ten different countries and I’ve had some of the best experiences of my life.

I’ve taught a writing masterclass in California and written about the war in Ukraine.

I’ve gone on historical research trips to Paris, Lisbon, Krakow and Warsaw.

I’ve made new friends in America, France, Portugal, Norway, Ukraine and Sweden.

And best of all, I’ve seen my son get married to a wonderful woman from Lviv in the Zakarpattian mountains.

It hasn’t all been sunshine and flowers. Life has still ‘lifed’, in all of its dramatic ups and downs.

I’ve mourned the loss of a friendship in the Netherlands, had the one of the worst birthdays of my life when I got lost in San Francisco, and experienced the terror of bomb and drone attacks in Lviv.

But this has still been the best year of my life without a doubt because it’s the year I was finally able to live unapologetically authentically.

And a big part of that for me has been living nomadically.

In my book True Face I talk about how the clues to who we truly are are usually, if not always, evident in our childhood.

If you think back to when and where you were happiest as a kid and what you were doing, chances are you’ll still love doing these things - or their adult equivalents - to this day.

As a kid I loved reading and writing - so I’m lucky enough to have been living authentically as a writer for many years.

But another thing I really loved to do when I was younger was to be on the move.

As a young kid this meant riding my bike for miles, pretending I was in a car speeding off to all kinds of far flung destinations in my imagination. I even taped a transistor radio to the handlebars as my ‘car stereo’ so I could have music playing while I adventured!

As a teen I discovered the joy of running and again, I’d pound the streets for miles around my neighbourhood, loving the feeling of freedom being in motion gave me.

As a young adult, I dreamed of travelling the world and as soon as I had a job I started a savings account to buy a round the world ticket.

In my early twenties I ended up in a sales job I was crap at and really hated but the one thing I absolutely loved was having to occasionally go and visit clients around the country, which would involve an overnight stay in a hotel.

I love, love, loved rocking up somewhere I’d never been to before and exploring the city before dining alone in a restaurant.

Something in me came alive during those work trips - even though part of me wanted to die during my sales meetings!

Then I became a mum and shortly after, a single mum and I had to put my travel dreams on hold. Most years I was too broke to even afford a holiday.

But my son and I ended up living in four different locations and I loved nothing more than exploring our new town, village or city and making new friends there.

My son still jokes about my ‘gypsy blood’ - which I’m proud to say he’s definitely inherited and I’m sure was a big factor in him being able to move to Ukraine on his own during the war to work for an humanitarian organisation!

The clues to who you truly are are always there.

Even if your life circumstances have forced your true self to take a back seat, there will still be moments when you feel it tapping on your shoulder and whispering in your ear.

But if you keep ignoring your true self there’s the risk it will fall into a deep sleep and, a little Sleeping Beauty, who was asleep for so long a thicket of thorny vines grew up all around her castle, the longer your true self is asleep, the harder he or she becomes to wake.

I realised this week that the gloom I’ve been feeling recently is because I’ve had to shove my true nomadic self back onto the backseat. The gloom I’ve been feeling is my true self falling back to sleep.

For the past four weeks I’ve been staying in an Airbnb apartment in a place I used to live and my life has pretty much fallen into the old routine I used to have there. Writing at the same desk every day. Going for the same walks to the same shops. Eating the same food.

Then, one day, when the gloom felt too much I decided to walk to a cafe to write in. I ended up in a cafe that was part of a chain I first discovered in Norway back in January. Being there instantly took me back to my trip to Oslo and brought back some really happy memories.

After, when I was walking home, a tune came on my Spotify shuffle that I listened to on repeat when I was pounding the streets of Warsaw back in April. Then another tune came on that reminded me of a magical moment in Paris, when I’d come across a couple of street dancers performing to it.

As my head filled with memories I felt my gloom lift and a spring in my step.

Then a thought came into my head with lightbulb clarity: ‘Stop trying to be something you’re not!’ Followed swiftly by: ‘Why choose a life that makes you feel unhappy?’

Why indeed?

The spring in my step got springier.

And, as if being controlled by some kind of Divine DJ of Dreams, my Spotify shuffle kept playing bangin’ tunes from my travels, evoking more happy memories.

By the time I got back to my apartment my true self had scrambled over from the back seat and back into the driver’s seat, wide awake and full of beans.

I’m still going to be there for my dad, just as he’s always been there for me - that will never be in question - but I’m not going to ignore my true self and revert back to my old unhappy life.

Rather than take a long term rental, I’m going to rent places in the UK on Airbnb on a monthly basis and I’ll do little short term trips to give my nomadic self a quick fix, like last night, when I did something bonkers but brilliant.

Last night, after spending the day visiting my dad, I booked a night in a hotel in my old home town - even though I could have stayed the night just a few metres down the road at my best friend’s house.

I had to give my true nomadic self the experience of being a traveller again, even if it was just for one night and somewhere very familiar.

And the whole experience was wonderful.

Firstly, I had a brilliant day with my dad. Then, when I arrived at the hotel, which was part of a really old pub, I had the best surprise.

I’d booked one of their super economy tiny single rooms, but when I checked in the receptionist took me out of the pub and into a private courtyard at the back, where the stables would have been back in the day when it was a coaching inn.

She led me over to a building and unlocked the door to reveal a beautiful suite of rooms - a huge bedroom with a kingsized bed, a living room with sofa, desk and TV and - the piece de resistance - a ginormous bathroom with the biggest bath I’ve ever seen!

I’d been given a free upgrade.

The first thing I did was run myself a bath with the beautiful complimentary aromatherapy bubbles. Then I soaked in the water whispering, ‘Thank you’ over and over again.

‘Thank you for a wonderful day with my dad.’

‘Thank you for my dad!’

‘Thank you for this unexpected gift.’

‘Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.’

And then I laughed my head off because it turned out that my bathroom was right next to the pub beer garden and I could hear a group of guys chatting and laughing and drinking on the other side of the wall. The thought that they were blissfully unaware of the naked woman lying in a bath just inches away from them really tickled me.

As always with these posts, I’ve shared all of this in the hope that it will resonate with you.

And if you can relate to what I’ve shared here and you feel that you’ve had to shove your true self and your true needs onto the back seat due to circumstances beyond your control, I hope you can take inspiration from my bonkers night in a beer garden bath.

I hope you can think of a fun way to give your true self a little treat to stop them from falling asleep.

Sending love and gratitude as always and wishing you a wonder-full Christmas!

Siobhan