I understand. You're not alone
This week the subject of suicide has been in the news following the tragic death of American dancer, Stephen ‘tWitch’ Boss. Closer to home, someone I love admitted to me that they were finding it hard finding a reason to live.
It’s terrifying when someone we know confesses to having suicidal thoughts, just as it is terrifying to have those thoughts. And it’s a perfectly natural instinct to want to switch into positive, fixer mode and list all the reasons why they shouldn’t feel the way they do; why they should want to stay.
But telling a person they’re wrong to feel the way they do doesn’t tend to make them feel better. If anything, it makes them feel misunderstood and even more alone.
So when my friend told me that they no longer wanted to live I swallowed down my fear and I told them that I understood; that what they’ve been through recently is very tough and shocking and it made complete sense that it had rocked them to their core.
I encouraged them to talk and I shut up and I listened. I didn’t desperately try and fill any silences with well-meaning platitudes. Instead, I held the silence as a container, an invitation for them to share if they wanted to. And they did. And I continued to listen.
And when I did speak it was just to say, ‘I understand’ and ‘I’m here for you’ and ‘You’re not alone.’
I understand.
I’m here for you.
You’re not alone.
Finally my friend said, ‘Maybe I just need to ride this feeling out.’
‘Yes,’ I replied. And it made me think of the beautiful poem, The Guest House, by Rumi.
This being human is a guest house.
Every day a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
Some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
Who violently sweep your house
Empty of its furniture
Still, treat each guest honourably,
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
Meet them at the door laughing and
Invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes
Because each has been sent
As a guide from beyond.
There was a time in my own life, over 20 years ago, when I’d been pushed to the brink by despair and I didn’t want to live anymore.
But thankfully I was able to ride the feeling out. And now I see the truth in Rumi’s poem and the line burning beacon bright: ‘He may be clearing you out for some new delight.’
When I look at all that has happened to me since those dark days; all of the joy and the love and the adventures I’ve experienced, I am so, so glad I didn’t give in to that instinct.
It feels counter-intuitive to welcome unpleasant and painful feelings, but a lot of the pain actually comes from fighting the feelings. I’ve found that I experience a tremendous sense of release when I take Rumi’s advice and invite them in instead.
For me, this involves sitting in stillness and mentally saying, ‘Hello, sadness / grief / anger / fear / despair (insert uncomfortable feeling of choice). I see you, I’m with you, and I love you,’ over and over, breathing slowly and deeply.
If you’re experiencing difficult thoughts and emotions try it for yourself and see.
With the benefit of over 20 years’ hindsight I can also see that my own rock bottom moment was a great ‘clearing out’ and paved the way for me to create a life beyond my wildest dreams.
So if you’ve been feeling at rock bottom recently, I understand and you’re not alone.
Please don’t feel guilty or ashamed for feeling the way you do and I urge you to reach out. Tell someone how you’re feeling. Ask them to listen, really listen, and hold a calm, still container for your thoughts and emotions. Show them this letter if you think it might help. Tell them you need someone to help you be with your feelings and ride them out. Someone to say…
I understand.
I’m here for you.
You’re not alone.
And do whatever you can to help you feel safe while you ride out the storm. This could mean therapy, or medication or calling the Samaritans or a suicide prevention hotline. You’re not being a pain or an inconvenience by reaching out, there are plenty of people who want to be there for you, who want to help you. Other things that can help include guided meditations (there are loads on YouTube), physical exercise, getting out in nature, staying in bed all day in a duvet cocoon, and journaling.
The most important thing to remember is that, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now, what you’re feeling is just a guest passing through. And if you welcome that guest and simply sit with them awhile they tend to leave a whole lot sooner.
The world is a difficult place right now, let’s look out for each other.
Sending you so much love.
Siobhan