Tell should to shut-up

Have you ever had an attack of the shoulds? As in, your mind telling you that you really, really should have done this or that - or not this or not that.

I’m guessing that, as a human with a brain that’s wired to fear and doubt, you most definitely have.

The other day, I found out that a (substantial) book payment that’s been due to me for months is going to be delayed yet again. And, as I trudged back home from a writing stint, through the busy Paris streets and death-defying cycle lanes, and in the pouring rain(!) the shoulds began to strike, ringing through my mind.

You should have kept working in publishing alongside writing your books, then you’d have more than one source of income.

You should have been more careful with your money, then it wouldn’t matter that this payment is late.

You should have put all of your money into a mortgage instead of travelling the world, then you’d have more security.

This is the problem with the shoulds - they like to breed and they tend to spiral. 

So, by the time I got back to my studio apartment I was convinced that I was one of the biggest losers ever to have walked this rain-soaked planet.

Thankfully, that night I had my first class in an online course I’m doing - a course on manifesting your dreams and goals.

The studio apartment I’m renting in Paris is so small that if I sit at the table I’m wedged into a corner between the front door and the washing machine and there’s so little space I have to walk sideways like a crab to get out, so I decided to do the zoom call from the comfort of my bed instead.

Not in bed, I hasten to add (I do have some sense of zoom call etiquette!) but on my bed - with my phone set up on a tripod on a chair beside it.

The zoom call began and it turned out that one of the first topics we were covering was the importance of mindset when it comes to manifesting our dreams.

All too often we can become trapped in a ‘victim’ mindset, one of the course leaders explained, believing that life is happening to us and that we have little, if any, control.

But the ideal mindset in order to make our dreams come true is one of flow - being happy in the moment and enjoying the process of pursuing our goals - rather than obsessing over the outcome.

I thought back to my earlier walk home and how, on learning that my payment was going to be delayed again, I’d sunk straight into a victim mindset, which had in turn sparked an attack of the shoulds. 

Then I thought of what a flow mindset would have looked like in that same situation…

I would have been grateful that, as a writer, I'm able to make a living from my books when so many are not. I would have been grateful that my writing has brought me to Paris, one of my favourite places in the world. I would have been grateful for the freedom - and flow! - my life of travel brings.

I found this picture when I was browsing in a bookstore the other day and felt that the woman perfectly embodied the flow state!

As I contemplated all of this I became more and more relaxed, and stretched out on my bed.

And I couldn’t help smiling as I realised that my apartment is so small I was able to see every single thing in it from that one spot - the toilet, the microwave, the TV, all of my clothes - and this fact really tickled me.

Then I realised that everyone else on the zoom call was sitting upright at tables or desks apart from me and that due to my becoming so relaxed, they were all being treated to a close-up of my feet!

It felt symbolic somehow, of the nomadic, slightly feral life I chose to live when I gave up my home over a year ago.

Outside, the rain continued to pour down on Paris, but inside my teeny-tiny apartment I felt so warm and cosy, and so incredibly happy.

I thought back to my earlier attack of the shoulds and I saw how every one of them was a falsehood (or rather, a falseshould!)

The work I’d done in publishing on top of my writing had led to burn-out and exhaustion. I was absolutely right to quit when I did to focus on my writing and more importantly, my sanity.

The money I’ve spent on travelling hasn’t been much more than what I was spending on exorbitant UK rental prices, in a town that made me feel depressed. I was absolutely right to have left when I did - if not sooner!

If I’d got a mortgage I wouldn’t have been able to travel and make new friends all over the world and create so many wonderful memories. As someone who prioritises experiences and adventure over feeling trapped I absolutely made the right decision for me at that time in my life.

In summary, I needed to tell my shoulds to shut up and get on with living my life in a way that makes me feel free and joyful.

The next day as I walked home from my writing stint, in the Paris sunshine, I got an email from another publisher, letting me know that a different book payment had been approved and will be in my account soon.

I carried on my way with a spring in my step, perfectly in flow with the bikes and the traffic. 

Perfectly in flow with life.

Until next week, I hope this inspires you to tell any annoying shoulds of your own to shut up, and to go with the flow too!

Siobhan

PS: HUGE thanks to everyone who took the time to comment and message me about last week’s Wonderstruck (which you can read here if you haven’t already). I was thrilled to get such a positive response to my book prologue and idea and your kind words are all the encouragement I need to get started on the project. It also helped me to see how I can turn a really traumatic experience into something positive to help others, for which I’m so grateful.